How to be Soopa Famous

this article will serve as your online tutorial on how to gain immense
popularity in the underground design world.  so perfect that signature of
yours and prepare for your new life as a celebrity.

pick your handle#section2

your current name, brad walker, no longer exists.  you must now pick a one
word name that has no significance whatsoever to yourself or anything you’re
about.  from now on, you will be referred to as xanthus.  if you feel the
urge, you can add a random number to the end to increase the “mystery.”  how
about 17?  great, you are now xanthus17.  refuse to respond to brad, ever.

your identity#section3

you, the artist formerly known as brad walker, live in some field near iowa.
not anymore.  you were born in germany, but currently reside in switzerland.
you are 19.  you have very short hair and you skate.  you consume alcohol.
your parents are divorced and you wear baggy pants.  you listen to techno,
punk rock, and you occasionally make your own dance mixes.  you are a member
of numerous design groups, all of which will be launched “soon.”  you are
xanthus17.

your style#section4

you have two options here: either have really bright yellow and reds or
a combination of muted tans and blues.  your work is nothing more than
layered pictures with optional blur effect.  your navigation is typo.  the
font is too small to read.  your rollovers are just bolder text.  you have a
nifty dynamic scroller.  your only content is interviews with other
designers, whose web sites you’ve never visited.  you are down with
“mschmidt” and “toke.”  you link to k10k.net, even though you will never be asked to design an issue.

your site structure#section5

this is your first site; regardless, it is version 2.01.  you can insert any
random number there, however, a decimal is required.  you have a total of
three to five sections within your site.  none of them serve any educational purpose, nor should they.  you also have an 80k splash image. the actual name of your site is the least noticeable thing on the image.  your “updates“ are about
other sites.  however, these updates are very scarce.  you want to create
the illusion that you have a life.  update twice a month, tops.  these
updates are merely announcing the launch of another site, just like yours.

contacting you#section6

this is impossible.  well, it’s possible, but we’re back to the illusion
thing.  you want people to think you don’t have the time to respond to their
email.  it is okay to respond if three months have passed.  your email address is
not even at your own domain.  it’s chao@raekwon.ipt.sw .

quick tips#section7

you never use proper punctuation, you’re a real ruffian.
you never make the pronunciation of your name clear.
you take lots of pictures.
your girlfriend’s name is inga.
you put random quotes on your designs.
you’ve done a splash for kiiroi.
you have a mailing list, which you never send mail to.
you re-design every 3 weeks.

you, my friend, are now soopa famous. enjoy.